Sunday, July 1, 2012

Unwanted Changes

I've lived with a maid for almost half my life. She was like family. When she was still working in our house, I got problematic. My troubled teenage mind forces me to be problematic. I start becoming this emo deepshit punk with so many problems. That time, home was never home enough for me. Until recently she left us all and went back to her homeland.

Home has always been home when I thought it wasnt. At times like this I wished I could go back in time and give all the memories some appreciation. Back then nothing was wrong with being at home, the home that I emotically hated so much. Everything was already been done by her. She made us feel safe in our home. She made us live in such a comfort zone. We couldnt thank her enough. At least, I couldnt thank her enough. I got home, everything was ready. My floor was always clean, my toilet was always sparkly, my bed sheets never got dusty. Everything was perfect for a home. Now that she's gone. Everything got out of hand. Everyone was in denial. Everyone needed her around,maybe for a thousand years more. Because everyone was such a lazybum. My mother is still trying to adapt. Still learning to become the one person she thought she'll never be - a mother. My sister is still the same, being more lazier than ever. My baby sister however, got thinner and I never saw that spark in her face now that my maid is gone. My maid, was like her adopted mother. They were so close. She's been sick ever since and I wish I can see that real happy smile again. Me? I took over my maid's job, doing the chores she did. Better than my mother, and faster. It's a once a week thing everytime I go home for the weekends. But things were slowly changing. The ants started coming,everywhere. Before this it was hard to see an ant anywhere in the house. Just lizards. The kitchen was looking unhappy. The house has lost it life. Although the house was painted white, but still I can feel its paleness. Not because of its wall colour though. I feel awkward to be in my house, as if it was someone else's place. Even sleeping in my bed was not satisfying. For a second there, I learned how my maid felt when she first step foot in our home. Scared, weird, awkward, clueless. She was taken away from her normal life to reluctantly do the job she never dream of. She was taken into a new place where everything was different. And sometimes new things can be very scary. And now, its our turn to undergo a new life, without her. Which is not normally something we would do.

It's either im forcing myself to get use to it or im going to live with this feeling forever. I miss her. My sister, our family. Thank you for being with us for over a decade. She's an internet user as well so im not writing this for show. I love you.